21st February 2011.
After thinking about it for a while, i've decided to make an online blog to post in when anything changes with my nan. Something to read when i just want to remember her.
My nan suffers with Alzheimers disease. An incurable illness which destroys the memory of someone and can take away their ability to tell us what they think and feel. In my nan's case, it took away everything which was so wonderfully amazing and beautiful about her. Things such as; her loving and caring personality, her kind words and her gleaming smile and eyes which were like a door into her soul. Since the start of the illness, the shine has left her eyes, and left them empty. There is no longer happiness or love in those eyes and everytime you look into them, you realise just how much life has changed. Who'd have thought in only a few years, someone's persona could change completely.
We fought for a long time to keep my nan out of a care home. Trying to keep her in the home that we called her home; where she'd always be 'nans house'. Sadly this was impossible and we had no choice but to put her in a care home which whilst being very good, will never be good enough.
My nan doesn't know where she is, nor does she know who we are. And whilst she remembers snippets of her childhood and names of family members, its upsetting to see someone who has always been so loving to be transformed into someone who doesn't even know your name.
There's good and bad days though. Days when my nan will look at you and scream; a sure sign that she does not remember you. And there's days when she will look at you and smile.
I love my nan, but i hate this illness. And whilst i'm crap at putting my feelings into words, this is a blog where i can post them; where no one will read them and if they do, they'll understand what so many people are going through.
A few months ago, my nan looked at me and said 'I love you lad' with a great big smile on her face. And i used to take that for granted, but that is the first time she has said it for four years.. And it was possibly the happiest moment of my life.
